Are you nice or kind and do you know the difference?
The other night I was teaching one of the Self-Defense modules, and the subject of ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ came up. It’s interesting how much we know the difference, yet often fall into being ‘nice’ rather than kind.’
Indoctrination into ‘be nice’ starts early
Our indoctrination into being ‘nice’ (instead of kind) started when we were very young. Parents and caretakers not wanting to be seen as ‘bad parents’ often chastised us into being ‘nice’when we did something/said something that was not socially acceptable, to, or at, another person. Instead of telling us what to do correctly, they simply told us to be ‘nice.’ This conditioning has led many of us to ‘give up something,’ as one individual stated in the Self-Defense class.
‘Nice people’ are always giving up something to someone else, as they aim to please. Being ‘nice’ gives you what I call “The 7 A’s:”
Approval
Acceptance
Attention
Acknowledgement
Affection
Adoration
Agreement
Every ‘nice’ person wants people to LIKE them. They have a great fear of rejection, and have a hard time with confrontation. It’s super hard to ‘rock the boat.’
She’s your aunt, be nice
He’s the gardener, be nice
They’re the pharmacist, be nice
The list goes on and on:
the doctor
your playmate
my friend
your uncle
Most ‘nice’ people make the easiest victims for all levels of crime. Perpetrators can smell this because they’ve learned to ‘read’ humans thus making it easy for them to manipulate others. Being nice is an emotional challenge for sure, you’re always giving up something to someone else.
This can be detrimental to you and your safety
Perpetrators use being ‘nice’ as a way to deceive, and in that deception, manipulation comes easy. They know how to act the part so trust can be built.
Giving you compliments, offer to help you, asking seemingly innocent questions, are all ways perpetrators gather information about you. This subject is taught (how to best react) in my Self-Defense Workshops.
Being ‘kind’ on the other hand, is a state of you being in control of your power. A kind person is able to “CUE,” show Compassion, Understanding, and Empathy, without allowing others to step all over them. The moment you are uncomfortable, you must check in with yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
What are you sensing?
What are you feeling
What is this person attempting?
You Don’t Need to Like Everyone
Being kind doesn’t mean you have to like a person. It doesn’t mean you are going to be friends forever, or even at all. When you show kindness to someone, it’s possible to:
still not like them
disagree with everything they say
dislike their level of integrity
and disapprove of their morals and ethics
However, you still treat them with kindness because, well, they really haven’t done anything to harm/hurt/violate you. You simply don’t have the right chemistry with them and can stop the conversation whenever you like. Make your determination and end the c9nversation.
I’ve heard of so many instances where one child does or says something ‘bad’ to another child and instead of finding out what caused the confrontation in the first place, the adult present tells the child to just ‘be nice.’ Being ‘nice’ is how that adult resolves it. This is totally disempowering to a child, as it doesn’t solve anything. The children involved don’t really get to hash out their feelings and get to a resolution. Often these situations involve accountability and apologizing.
What About You?
If you find yourself always saying ‘yes’ to everyone around you, check in
What are you truly feeling?
Is there a huge concern this person won’t like you?
Maybe you just can’t stand confrontation? (Nobody likes it, really.)
Are you afraid for your safety
Scared that this person will yell at you?
Do you feel the need to always ‘give’ so you can feel good that they’ll be happy?
Your mind thinks that you did good—you got approval (they like you). In their mind, they know you’ll be easy to use. Honestly, I don’t know anyone who likes being used.
Kindness and compassion are truly separate and distinct from being a ‘nice guy.’ With kindness you express compassion, and with niceness you become a doormat—huge difference.
Shifting niceness into kindness is huge change. If you’d like to do some work around this, contact me.
Clara E Minor Master Trainer/Instructor MINORSAN Self-Defense & Fitness Text: 831-600-5858 minorsan.com
